Bryan Fischer: Ban everything

He’s getting harder and harder to spoof, but here goes…

AFA analyst calls for ban on everything

Tupelo, MS – Writing today for the website RenewMerica, Bryan Fischer asserted that all sex everywhere needs to be curtailed.

“Just one wrong move and you’re done for,” Fischer wrote. “It’s like cigarettes and gay sex, we are all one smoke or one hook up away from disaster.”

Fischer was reacting to a government report suggesting that one cigarette can be the one that kills you. “Of course, I naturally and initially thought of gay sex. Because gay sex spreads HIV, the first fab time could be your last.”

Extrapolating his thinking, Fischer noted that in Uganda heterosexual sex is the main driver of the spread of HIV/AIDS. This fact demands an aggressive strategy.

“Since one act of straight sex can kill you, the government should crack down on the practice,” Fischer advised. “There simply is no level of safe exposure to straight sex.”

Unless otherwise noted, the opinions expressed are not mine and don’t represent the views of anyone, even myself, or this blog. Even though the opinions expressed are written on this blog, they do not necessarily represent the views of the blog owner.  Actually they just magically appeared here and stuff.

New ark to be built: Grizzlies & other bad animals excluded

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this WHAT? report:

AFA to rebuild Noah’s Ark; Grizzlies, other bad animals excluded

Tupelo, MS – The American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer today announced that he is going to rebuild Noah’s Ark. Citing media reports of animal attacks on humans, he says only the good animals will be allowed.

“We are going to break this curse on the land and only take in the animals which do not attack people,” said Fischer. “For instance, everyone knows that grizzly bears kill people, but did you know that over 300 people were killed by dogs over the past 20 years!? I don’t care what Noah did, there will be no dogs on Noah 2.”

Fischer added that to take the place of real animals, he would be taking stuffed dogs, bears, lions, tigers, and alligators killed by the other passengers.

The Tennessee house fire: The tales of Good and Bad Samaritans

According to this AP report, Gene and Paulette Cranick forgot to pay their $75 fire protection fee and the local fire department let their house burn to the ground.

Paulette Cranick said they had paid the fee in the past, although sometimes late, but it slipped their mind this year.

I have forgotten my yearly car registration before and paid extra for my attention deficit. I have forgotten other things too, but right now I forget what they were. So I can believe the Cranicks forgot to pay the fee.

I have a harder time believing the justifications for failing to extinguish the blaze. Some say the Cranicks didn’t pay the fee so they should accept the consequences. If you do the crime, you have to do the time, the thinking goes. Something just seems wrong about that. At risk of age stereotyping, I will bring in the fact that the Cranicks are in their upper 60s and certain memory functions show some wear and tear years before that time of life. For instance, some days, I have trouble remembering what I had for lunch. I can only imagine trying to remember if I paid a yearly bill for something as basic as fire protection.

So I would have been willing to cut them some slack and put out the fire, perhaps charging them for the real costs of the trip. Their animals might have been saved and the local authorities would have been reimbursed for their actual costs.

However, other people are not buying it. Bryan Fischer at the American Family Association brought religion into the situation by writing two columns saying Jesus would have let the house burn down. I doubt that, but thinking about Jesus reminded me of the parable of the Good Samaritan. Then I thought that the story might have gone a little differently if Bryan Fischer had been telling the tale. First, the real thing from Luke 25-37.

25On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

 26“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

 27He answered: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'”

 28“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

 29But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

 30In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. 34He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him. 35The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

 36“Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

 37The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”  Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

Now, let me break in where the Samaritan finds the hapless fellow on the side of the road and suggest how it might have gone with Fischer’s “muscular Christianity.”

33But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he called out to him,

“Are you ok?” The Samaritan replied

The man replied, “No, I have been badly hurt by the attack of the robbers.”

Sizing up the situation, the Samaritan man asked “Have you paid your taxes?”

“What?” The wounded man groaned.

“Have you paid your taxes? You know, the ones which help pay for police protection and rescue services?” The Samaritan demanded.

“No, sir, I forgot to pay them. I paid them last year but forgot to pay them this year,” the man whispered, his breathing labored.

“I see. Well, that is too bad. In that case, my advice to you is to man up and accept the situation.” And the Samaritan man went on his way.

And everybody marveled and scratched their head at his teachings.

Which Samaritan was the neighbor?

Colonel Sanders responsible for homosexualization of America

Bolivia – WTHN – Today, Spero News reported that Bolivian President Evo Morales linked eating hormonally enhanced chicken with problems in masculinity, saying,

“The chicken that we eat is chock-full of feminine hormones. So, when men eat these chickens, they deviate from themselves as men.”

The chicken – homosexuality link was presaged in the US by a WorldNetDaily author, Jim Rutz, who linked soy products with an upsurge in bromance around the world. Rutz said, “Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to…sexual confusion and homosexuality.”

One source who spoke only on condition of anonymity said, “You can blame the whole culture war on Colonel Sanders. That’s who started it. Then it was chicken nuggets, and chicken tenders. Now you understand how those chicken dishes got their names.”

The anonymous ex-chicken farmer said the disclosure from the Bolivian president could be devastating to both the American fast food and fashion industries.

Elsewhere, a prominent Iranian cleric countered the Bolivian president by saying that feminized chickens also cause earthquakes, but only if they are promiscuous.

Obama says health care costs, sun to rise

Obama says health care costs, sun to rise

At a political rally today, President Barack Obama touted his new health care reform proposal to a sun-baked crowd in New Jersey. Stunning the crowd, he said, ”Mark it down, people, healthcare costs are going to go up.”

Obama added, “And if we wait long enough, the sun is going to come up in the morning too.”

Harmon Morris of Boonton, NJ, clearly overcome by the President’s predictions, said, “The President really convinced me. “

A few anti-health reform activists carried protest signs that read “God did not make little green apples.” Susan Sharp from Dover, Delaware said, “The Administration wants us to believe costs will go up and a lot of other stuff. But we don’t believe his rhetoric.”

Undeterred, the President stayed on message saying, “As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti, it will snow in Minneapolis in the winter time.”

Elsewhere, wrapping up her confirmation hearing, Supreme Court nominee, Sonia Sotomayor, revealed that she once fronted a band known as the Wise Latinas, but assured Senators that it would not affect her judgment on the High Court.

For more on this story, go here and here.

Make it an Obama holiday season

The Obama for America store has some items for your holiday gift giving needs. For that cold loved one, maybe someone who didn’t vote for change:

Warren —
This holiday season, celebrate the historic accomplishment of our movement for change. Treat yourself or a loved one to a limited edition Obama fleece scarf.
Make a donation of $25 or more right now and get an official Obama scarf to mark an amazing year:

scarf

Or how about this collection of holiday favorites sung by the President-elect.
MC songs
Items purchased by December 15th are guaranteed to be delivered before December 25th.
When you make your donation, you’ll be supporting the Democratic National Committee. The resources they invested in the 50-state organizing strategy made this movement possible — help us build for future victories together.
Share this amazing moment with your friends and family. Thanks to supporters like you, we all have the opportunity to bring real change to America.
Thank you,
Obama for America

Nothing says Happy Holidays like an Obama scarf and album…

Nov. 5 New York Times Front Page Leaked

Well, I can’t actually verify this but it might look something like this.
NYT
Here is a little better view of it.
I might be done for the night; I am not sure I can watch this. FOX just called VA at 10:41pm for Obama. Virginia.
Jedi mind tricks.
Some GOP people I talk to hope for buyer’s remorse and a resurgence in the mid-term elections in 2010. As a historical parallel, Bill Clinton, in 1992, met immediate problems with his health care initiatives; one wonders if Obama’s pledge to make the Freedom of Choice Act his first legislative priority could be a parallel. There are any number of liberal proposals that Obama would do well to wait to move on if he wants to avoid what happened during the first Clinton term. The Contract with America came along in 1994 and helped revitalize the GOP.

Borowitz: McCain sends Biden to key swing states

Said as only Andy Borowitz can:

October 22, 2008
McCain Sends Biden to Key Swing States
‘Just Keep Talking,’ Says Mac
In a move unprecedented in the annals of presidential politics, Republican presidential nominee John McCain announced today that he was sending Democratic vice presidential nominee Joseph Biden on a campaign trip to several key swing states.
“I told Joe, I will pay your plane fare, hotels, all your expenses,” Sen. McCain said. “Just get out there and say whatever’s on your mind, my friend.”
Sen. McCain added one small caveat: “Whatever you do, don’t edit yourself.”
The Arizona’s senator’s unusual proposal is part of what one aide called the campaign’s “Two Joes” strategy.
“For the next two weeks, this campaign is going to be all about two Joes,” said McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds. “Joe the Plumber and Joe the Blabber.”
But the McCain campaign’s plans were short-lived as Sen. Barack Obama today announced plans of his own for talkative running mate: “Between now and the election, Joe Biden will be reaching out to voters in Antarctica and possibly the Moon.”
Sen. Biden said he was grateful for the assignment, adding, “I will be proud to serve under Barack Obama, especially when one of our enemies tries to test him with a full-on nuclear attack. Kerblooey!!!!”

Andy writes referring to Joe Biden’s prophecy of a significant international test for a newly minted President Obama.
Here is what Biden said:

Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking,” Biden said.
“Remember I said it standing here. if you don’t remember anything else I said. Watch, we’re gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy. And he’s gonna have to make some really tough — I don’t know what the decision’s gonna be, but I promise you it will occur. As a student of history and having served with seven presidents, I guarantee you it’s gonna happen,” Biden continued.

However, to my knowledge no one is reporting Biden’s attempt to reframe his comments.
Biden added, “What I meant was the Obama will receive a very hard written test from the world, and he will pass it with flying colors. When Jack Kennedy was tested like that during the Korean war, he logged on to the Internet and assured the American people that he could pass that test, and he did!”
And if you wonder why this hasn’t been reported, see this: Joe Biden’s fun with history!