Category: Lame attempts at humor

Bryan Fischer: Ban everything

He’s getting harder and harder to spoof, but here goes…

AFA analyst calls for ban on everything

Tupelo, MS – Writing today for the website RenewMerica, Bryan Fischer asserted that all sex everywhere needs to be curtailed.

“Just one wrong move and you’re done for,” Fischer wrote. “It’s like cigarettes and gay sex, we are all one smoke or one hook up away from disaster.”

Fischer was reacting to a government report suggesting that one cigarette can be the one that kills you. “Of course, I naturally and initially thought of gay sex. Because gay sex spreads HIV, the first fab time could be your last.”

Extrapolating his thinking, Fischer noted that in Uganda heterosexual sex is the main driver of the spread of HIV/AIDS. This fact demands an aggressive strategy.

“Since one act of straight sex can kill you, the government should crack down on the practice,” Fischer advised. “There simply is no level of safe exposure to straight sex.”

Unless otherwise noted, the opinions expressed are not mine and don’t represent the views of anyone, even myself, or this blog. Even though the opinions expressed are written on this blog, they do not necessarily represent the views of the blog owner.  Actually they just magically appeared here and stuff.

New ark to be built: Grizzlies & other bad animals excluded

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this WHAT? report:

AFA to rebuild Noah’s Ark; Grizzlies, other bad animals excluded

Tupelo, MS – The American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer today announced that he is going to rebuild Noah’s Ark. Citing media reports of animal attacks on humans, he says only the good animals will be allowed.

“We are going to break this curse on the land and only take in the animals which do not attack people,” said Fischer. “For instance, everyone knows that grizzly bears kill people, but did you know that over 300 people were killed by dogs over the past 20 years!? I don’t care what Noah did, there will be no dogs on Noah 2.”

Fischer added that to take the place of real animals, he would be taking stuffed dogs, bears, lions, tigers, and alligators killed by the other passengers.

Colonel Sanders responsible for homosexualization of America

Bolivia – WTHN – Today, Spero News reported that Bolivian President Evo Morales linked eating hormonally enhanced chicken with problems in masculinity, saying,

“The chicken that we eat is chock-full of feminine hormones. So, when men eat these chickens, they deviate from themselves as men.”

The chicken – homosexuality link was presaged in the US by a WorldNetDaily author, Jim Rutz, who linked soy products with an upsurge in bromance around the world. Rutz said, “Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to…sexual confusion and homosexuality.”

One source who spoke only on condition of anonymity said, “You can blame the whole culture war on Colonel Sanders. That’s who started it. Then it was chicken nuggets, and chicken tenders. Now you understand how those chicken dishes got their names.”

The anonymous ex-chicken farmer said the disclosure from the Bolivian president could be devastating to both the American fast food and fashion industries.

Elsewhere, a prominent Iranian cleric countered the Bolivian president by saying that feminized chickens also cause earthquakes, but only if they are promiscuous.