Reparative therapy information page

Warren,
In these sorts of studies, under which label would a guy like the following fall?…..
I dunno Lynch, it’s so hard to deal with. Some girls made a gay joke about me the other night, and the way she said it implied that people talk about it behind my back that I’m gay. Besides being chronically single, I don’t think I give off that vibe at all.
But her joke at my expense put me into a tailspin. I’ve been panicking and re-examining my past thinking “OH MY GOD!!! What if she’s right and I really am gay!?”
All I know about my past is that there was a lot of sexual thoughts, fantasies, behaviors, etc. that I went through mostly on my own. I never got help, even after I told my parents at age 9. I believe that all that imprinting behavior that happened towards me influenced a lot of my teenage sexual thoughts in my teenage years. I was knowingly entertaining erotic fantasies about having sex with boys years younger than me, while also having fantasies about girls I liked but thought I would never be good enough for. Never had any crushes on guys. Admiration, yes. Wanting to be like them or actually be them? Yes. Wanting to date them or settle down with them in the future? No.
What happened to me was the longer I told myself my abuse wasn’t that bad and didn’t matter, the more split my sexual behaviors were. I was feeling heterosexual, acting heterosexual, and believing in that, but at the same time there was that small part of me that kept going back to checking on gay porn. Did I like it? At first. Over time though I lost interest. Then the anxiety started, because the damage was already done. The checking wasn’t a conclusion for me, it became a “well, you experimented with it, so it must mean you’re actually gay, so you can’t have any peace of mind now”. What if I couldn’t date women or have a girlfriend because I was gay and didn’t know it?
Once the question started, I investigated more, checking out gay porn for up to three days at a time, non-stop, just to gauge my reactions. I didn’t like it or understand why there was this compulsion. It wasn’t for pleasure, I HAD to watch and check my reaction to do anything as simple as sleeping or eating, otherwise I was too depressed or scared to get out of bed. To this day, I have never had a crush on another man or wanted to be with another man romantically or sexually, but my anxiety from this episode has developed into an almost OCD like obsessive thought phase. I can’t stop obsessing about the question, and because of that, I can’t relax and enjoy the company of women, or anybody for that matter. All of the behaviors from when I was younger, all the thoughts, and even the gay porn checking suddenly stopped the second I went in for EMDR and got these issues off of my chest. But for some reason, that wasn’t enough for me. When the dust settles and I calm down again, my sex drive comes back, I relax, and I don’t worry about being gay. But all it took was thirty seconds for somebody to completely destroy my peace. You don’t want that. I can’t help that now.
So whats the point? Regardless of whether or not you want to view what happened as abuse or an unwanted sexual experience, it was profoundly negative to you. It was negative to me too. Never violent, but coercive and manipulative to me. A lot of my fears, neuroses, etc. went away with therapy, and when I examined it, I saw absolute direct connections to what happened to me. I minimized it for years, and now thanks to that I feel ruined, spent, and just totally exhausted. I just want to get my peace back. But the anxiety remains, and it will take any small slight doubt and try to twist it into definitive proof that I’m something I’m not. Hence this girls little joke. She laughed maybe for a few seconds, then probably forgot about it.
Three days later, I’m still in a compulsive thought loop, obsessing about doubting my sexual identity and having constant intrusive thoughts from it. None of the work I need to be getting done is done (this ALWAYS happens when I’m really busy as a way to distract me from tasks I need to finish). I just want this nightmare to be over, but even when I say that, what will I go back to? Since I was 6 I was abused until I was almost ten years old. Then I lived my teen years in the turmoil and the confusion that caused. Now in my early twenties I’ve had enough, I’m moving on with my life, and I’ve become mired down and trapped in a nightmare because even though my body has let go of the past and all the behaviors and issues it caused me, my brain won’t allow me to forgive myself.
Not forgiving the fact that at 15, I could have opened up about this and ended it a lot sooner. Not forgiving that I was a victim, not a willing participant. Not forgiving that the hell I’m in now is largely self imposed by an anxious and insecure brain. I know my peace. I know who I am. Imagine KNOWING that, and having a little voice in the back of your head trying to make you constantly doubt that. It is a fear that I have only been able to live without for two months of the past 4 years, and that was only after an INTENSE EMDR session. I want that peace again so bad. I crave it. I feel like I’m slowly dying by being away from that. But this is the horror of the situation we’re faced with. Lynch, live your life on your terms. Stop caring what other people think. I wish I could say I do the same, but when it comes down to it my past makes me easy prey for the anxiety induced doubt I have to come and make my life hell. Best of luck man.
Katie again — and at least this guy hasn’t completely given up his ID as straight, but he does have homosexual behaviors.
According to these studies, how is he being defined?
Thanks,
Katie

6 thoughts on “Reparative therapy information page”

Katie Cannon says:

April 23, 2009 at 7:52 pm

Warren,
In these sorts of studies, under which label would a guy like the following fall?…..
I dunno Lynch, it’s so hard to deal with. Some girls made a gay joke about me the other night, and the way she said it implied that people talk about it behind my back that I’m gay. Besides being chronically single, I don’t think I give off that vibe at all.
But her joke at my expense put me into a tailspin. I’ve been panicking and re-examining my past thinking “OH MY GOD!!! What if she’s right and I really am gay!?”
All I know about my past is that there was a lot of sexual thoughts, fantasies, behaviors, etc. that I went through mostly on my own. I never got help, even after I told my parents at age 9. I believe that all that imprinting behavior that happened towards me influenced a lot of my teenage sexual thoughts in my teenage years. I was knowingly entertaining erotic fantasies about having sex with boys years younger than me, while also having fantasies about girls I liked but thought I would never be good enough for. Never had any crushes on guys. Admiration, yes. Wanting to be like them or actually be them? Yes. Wanting to date them or settle down with them in the future? No.
What happened to me was the longer I told myself my abuse wasn’t that bad and didn’t matter, the more split my sexual behaviors were. I was feeling heterosexual, acting heterosexual, and believing in that, but at the same time there was that small part of me that kept going back to checking on gay porn. Did I like it? At first. Over time though I lost interest. Then the anxiety started, because the damage was already done. The checking wasn’t a conclusion for me, it became a “well, you experimented with it, so it must mean you’re actually gay, so you can’t have any peace of mind now”. What if I couldn’t date women or have a girlfriend because I was gay and didn’t know it?
Once the question started, I investigated more, checking out gay porn for up to three days at a time, non-stop, just to gauge my reactions. I didn’t like it or understand why there was this compulsion. It wasn’t for pleasure, I HAD to watch and check my reaction to do anything as simple as sleeping or eating, otherwise I was too depressed or scared to get out of bed. To this day, I have never had a crush on another man or wanted to be with another man romantically or sexually, but my anxiety from this episode has developed into an almost OCD like obsessive thought phase. I can’t stop obsessing about the question, and because of that, I can’t relax and enjoy the company of women, or anybody for that matter. All of the behaviors from when I was younger, all the thoughts, and even the gay porn checking suddenly stopped the second I went in for EMDR and got these issues off of my chest. But for some reason, that wasn’t enough for me. When the dust settles and I calm down again, my sex drive comes back, I relax, and I don’t worry about being gay. But all it took was thirty seconds for somebody to completely destroy my peace. You don’t want that. I can’t help that now.
So whats the point? Regardless of whether or not you want to view what happened as abuse or an unwanted sexual experience, it was profoundly negative to you. It was negative to me too. Never violent, but coercive and manipulative to me. A lot of my fears, neuroses, etc. went away with therapy, and when I examined it, I saw absolute direct connections to what happened to me. I minimized it for years, and now thanks to that I feel ruined, spent, and just totally exhausted. I just want to get my peace back. But the anxiety remains, and it will take any small slight doubt and try to twist it into definitive proof that I’m something I’m not. Hence this girls little joke. She laughed maybe for a few seconds, then probably forgot about it.
Three days later, I’m still in a compulsive thought loop, obsessing about doubting my sexual identity and having constant intrusive thoughts from it. None of the work I need to be getting done is done (this ALWAYS happens when I’m really busy as a way to distract me from tasks I need to finish). I just want this nightmare to be over, but even when I say that, what will I go back to? Since I was 6 I was abused until I was almost ten years old. Then I lived my teen years in the turmoil and the confusion that caused. Now in my early twenties I’ve had enough, I’m moving on with my life, and I’ve become mired down and trapped in a nightmare because even though my body has let go of the past and all the behaviors and issues it caused me, my brain won’t allow me to forgive myself.
Not forgiving the fact that at 15, I could have opened up about this and ended it a lot sooner. Not forgiving that I was a victim, not a willing participant. Not forgiving that the hell I’m in now is largely self imposed by an anxious and insecure brain. I know my peace. I know who I am. Imagine KNOWING that, and having a little voice in the back of your head trying to make you constantly doubt that. It is a fear that I have only been able to live without for two months of the past 4 years, and that was only after an INTENSE EMDR session. I want that peace again so bad. I crave it. I feel like I’m slowly dying by being away from that. But this is the horror of the situation we’re faced with. Lynch, live your life on your terms. Stop caring what other people think. I wish I could say I do the same, but when it comes down to it my past makes me easy prey for the anxiety induced doubt I have to come and make my life hell. Best of luck man.
Katie again — and at least this guy hasn’t completely given up his ID as straight, but he does have homosexual behaviors.
According to these studies, how is he being defined?
Thanks,
Katie
Katie says:

April 23, 2009 at 2:46 pm

Well….. but that’s pretty important 🙂
Warren says:

April 23, 2009 at 11:51 am

Sure they would because that would be different population that gay men in general.
Katie Cannon says:

April 23, 2009 at 10:43 am

I think that if a researcher cared to get statistics on the men who participate on on-line support groups for men who were sexually abused, they’d end up with very different stats.
Maybe not when it comes to clear and consistent Identifications, but again, most of the guys at least have doubts about their sexual identity.
Katie
Katie Cannon says:

April 23, 2009 at 10:34 am

Hey Warren,
Good idea.
Again, however, it seems to me that those who wonder about the origins of homosexuality come up with different conclusions than those who wonder about the effects of early sexual abuse of boys.
The disparity is troublesome to me.
One would expect disparity to some degree, but the amount of disparity is pretty darn big.
I would assume this might, in part, be explained by the greater number of men who actually ID as gay in the origins of homosexuality studies, as opposed to more complicated identifications?
Don’t know?
Have any thoughts?
Katie
Lynn David says:

April 22, 2009 at 9:11 pm

Danke schoen!

Comments are closed.