Whatever the cause, one must make moral sense of it and then live within that sense. That is hard enough.

The truth of the matter is that we ALL had both good AND bad aspects to our relationships with our parents — whether we are gay, straight or somewhere in between. I am glad that your therapy experience resulted in some good — strengthening your relationship with your Dad. In my own case, the good was that it deepened my faith in God — even though it did not change my sexual orientation.

As for being “saddened when you read of people so desperate to change that they sign on to fringe thinking”, it’s hard for an unhappy gay person to find much else out there. That is why I support Dr. Throckmorton’s guidelines for therapy and why I am so opposed to EXODUS and NARTH. I finally found help in reconciling my faith and sexuality as a gay Christian. So I guess I am one of the lucky ones too.

Admittedly, my father was gone a lot when I was growing up. But, our relationship was a great one. I never doubted his love and he believed in active involvement in my life. Even when he was on the road traveling (lots of speaking engagements), there was never a day when I didn’t talk to him. But, my parents were desperate to have this part of me fixed. And, to a great extent, I too wanted to be “normal.” So, we bought into this idea that it must be my parent’s fault that I was suffering from this issue.

Ever Friday night, my father and I would meet at a location (chosen by me) and hang out. We’d play catch-up on our weeks (I was 18 at the time). He’d tell me what was going on in his life and I’d tell him what was going on in mine. We studiously stayed away from discussing my therapy though. The idea was to create a father/son bond that supposedly didn’t exist or was broken.

Nearly 20 years later, I am extremely grateful for the advice that my father and I needed more “time” together. Those weekly sessions still take place even though we now live on opposite sides of the country. We’ve both been able to admit that our father/son relationship was not the “problem” that the therapist assumed. But we also realize that these weekly prescribed sessions strengthened the bond we already had.

When I finally was able to say “I’m gay”, my dad was the first person I told. He responded that he loved me, respected me, was proud of me and fully supported me. He also told me that his experience in counseling (and with me) had showed him that the “gay issue” was not nearly as black & white as the church world likes to think. To understand how huge that is, one would have to understand how very conservative my parents are. More recently, my partner of nearly 5 years was struggling with a prescription drug addiction that was creating real havoc in our family life (we have an 8 year old son). My dad was the first person I shared our struggle with. I knew that I would receive love, care and sound advice.

My time in therapy was a tremendous experience if for no other reason than my relationship with my dad was strengthened and I became much more in touch with my own feelings. I still struggle with reconciling my faith (which is very important to me as much of my writing suggests) and my sexuality. I don’t struggle with this notion that somehow my parents are to blame for my sexuality. My therapy proved that to be a complete misnomer.

I will say that I’m saddened when I read of people so desperate to change that they sign on to fringe thinking. Perhaps I’m one of the lucky ones.

j.

I was not asking Mary to expose any person. And I am saddened to hear that any person is being threatened. I was just responding to her rather bold assertion that “sound counseling” does exist. Is so, where? For obvious reasons, EXODUS and NARTH don’t qualify. I am glad that Warren is working on an suitable alternative.

However, if Mary’s therapists want to remain private, then I would want her to respect that wish. I have had threats too both from the right and the left. But I would hope that your therapist would consider joining the sexual identity therapy discussion group (www.sexualidentity.blogspot.com).

You said: “Just like myself, you will have to search, interview, question, etc… to find reputable people.” OK. What questions would one ask? Where would one begin this search? How would your run-of-the-mill unhappy gay person start the search? Do you really think that most of them are in a frame of mind to make such sophisticated inquiries on their own? I have a master’s degree and 30 plus years of working with gays and lesbians — and I still don’t know what would make a good “reparative therapist” — or whatever they are calling themselves nowadays.

All of the incidents I described REALLY happened to me. I did not make them up to discredit the ex-gay movement. They really happened to Gary and to so many others who came to our ministry, EXIT. Our clients came to us in a state of crisis, looking for a way out and unable to find decent therapists. They came to us as a last resort. And even we didn’t know what to do.

I am asking sincerely, even though I know you doubt my motives. As a therapist, I sometimes work with people who do not want to be gay, who want to live in accordance with their values and/or who want to become heterosexual. I do not force my path on them and I would like to be able to make decent referrals. I think Warren knows that I am sincere about wanting to find other therapists like him. If Mary cannot provide help, maybe Dr. Throckmorton knows something.

But just like myself, you will have to search, interview, question, etc… to find reputable people.

I am really sorry. The conflict over this issue has left many just wanting to keep their privacy. In fact, my therapist thought that I was not serious when I first came to her – she wondered if I was a “plant”.

Again, sorry Michael.

And thanks Pam for answering.

I would trust Warren if I wanted to walk a non-gay path, but wher ELSE would I go? Warren is unique. Where could I refer a client who wanted help? Who is really qualified? What do they actually do? Make people straight? Help gay Christians get used to the fact that they may never be straight?

Warren’s statement “I have several things I want to do before I retire (if I ever do retire) and one of them is to leave this issue better than I found it” strongly implies that HE thinks the field is a mess, too. Where would Warren suggest that I find those “other counselors” who approach this subject with compassion, intelligence, honesty, sound scientific and therapeutic practices and political neutrality? How would anyone find such therapists?

When Gary and I were becoming disillusioned with the “ex-gay” approach and when we noticed that our clients were getting worse, not better, we thought of going “somewhere else”, but where? Weren’t we (EXODUS) the experts? Wasn’t NARTH supposed to know how to do it? I ask again, Mary, where might one find these good therapists?

If readers find something in print or statements made in a public forum that implicate harmful techniques, then I would like those references posted. Otherwise, describing your experience should be just that — describing your experience.

Having said all of that, if there is a pattern of repeated harm, then the best approach might be to go to other counselors who could confront the counselor and urge consultation. A final step would be to go to a licensing or certification board.